Finding Peace when I hate my job

It is something we all struggle with or have struggled with at one time or another.  When we don’t want to play nice in the sandbox, pack up our toys and go home.  How do we walk out God’s purpose for our life, when we hate our work environment?  How are we salt without being salty, and light without burning those with our high powered laser beams of death? All joking aside it is hard to be salt and light in this dark world when it's raining on our life. You feel the pressure of multiple emotions all at the same time, over your job, feeling guilt and shame for not being patient, and frustrated and blissfully hoping that Jesus is coming back tomorrow so you don't have to go back into that work environment.

   My first time I hated my job, I mean really hated my job, was when I was twenty-seven.  I was a home care nurse and my manager was picking me apart, now I won’t go into the reasons, but I was getting my butt handed to me at least once a week on how I wasn’t measuring up.  At first, I cried alot, I loved being a home care nurse, I had been one for over five years. I enjoyed my patient care, and I loved what I did.  But I didn’t like how I was being treated by my management, and for me, it was in this season that I learned and help other women learn how to find peace even when I hate my job.  I spent from August to May,  every week being told my deficits, and although it was painful the experience taught me a whole lot about who I was and who I wasn’t.   

I am not defined by what I do, I am defined by who I am

I am a doer by nature, I can set my mind to a task and do it well and I took pride in doing it well.  It hurt my pride to be told everything I was doing wrong.  It hurt my pride when I was being treated differently than everyone else.  It hurt my pride when I knew it was unfair and yet I still had to walk it out.  It hurt!  But what I learned in those months was I was still me, my whole world was in my pride of being a home care nurse, and being good at what I did.  My identity was found in a singular role and not in the divine purpose of who I was in Christ.  The law of definition is learning and knowing who I am in Christ and that is only through Jesus that I am made whole.  I can’t be used by him if I am so full of myself.  

My excuse is not my exit plan

 After crying bitter tears and talking with my husband I decided I didn’t want to quit my job. Did I want to burn that place down? yep. But I loved what I did, even though it hurt me, and I felt I was being wronged, I knew I didn’t want to run away.  I worked for a very good organization and I didn’t want to leave it.  I felt like my boss wanted me to quit and this was her way of doing it. In that moment, it  wasn’t professional it was personal from my perspective.  In the beginning I stayed because I wanted to prove to her she was wrong, that I was better than this, and she would regret what she was doing to me.  But by the end of that season I just wanted to learn how to grow and be mature and emotionally intelligent as a professional.  Sitting still, not reacting to my hurt and doing my job was again painful, but I grew so much by choosing not to quit as my first reaction.  I told myself that I would stay for six months and then make a decision.

 

I am responsible for me, myself, and I

Was my manager being unfair?  Yes and no.  Looking back some of the things that I was doing ‘wrong’ are still happening in that department, and all the nurses struggle with a broken system.  But, were there some things that I wasn’t doing perfect?  Yes, and I focused in on my areas of weakness which were: the paperwork, and the time management.  I shifted my focus from my manager, whom I had demonized, to myself who still had some growing room as a nurse.  I overextended myself, would take on too many patients in a day and constantly try to catch up.  I wouldn’t say no, because I liked that people depended on me, it fed my pride.  I didn’t finish my charting in a timely manner because I didn’t set boundaries and I didn’t steward my time well. I then would be resentful because I felt like they did not appreciate my help.   I choose for six months to focus on working on me and no one else.  I didn’t feed the rumor mill, I didn’t talk about how unfair my life was, I was completely focused on one thing: ME.  

I learned to not burn a bridge

After six months, things did not get better for me as an employee, my work life and home life were unhealthy.  My girls, who were small, begged me to ask the doctor to give me fewer patients and cried when I took my work computer out.  I knew at this point I couldn’t maintain this pace for my life and so I met with my manager and even though I shook and it was uncomfortable I told her I wanted to move departments.  With her blessing, I put in for a transfer to the oncology floor.  It was what I was looking for, still work that meant something to me, but where I could clock in and clock out.  I heard that the manager on that floor was firm but fair, she had been there over twenty years and had a good track record.  I got the job on the floor and worked out my notice at my home care department.  People were upset I was leaving, but I knew this was the best step for me.  Nine months later home care was in a  major nursing shortage I was able to help out and bless my old department and gained the respect of my old manager. My actions spoke louder than any words and my character shined brightly in those moments.   

Help those walk where you have been

  I am not defined by how well I perform a task anymore,  I am defined by my character and I love to help other new nurses learn this truth. When their eyes fill up with tears the first time they are told they messed up a task or a process. Or a patient yells and tells them how horrible they are,  I gently pull them aside and tell them “you are not defined by what you do, when you walk off this floor you are still you. You are going to make mistakes and you need to give yourself a grace zone. You are going to mess up, but only when you give up have you failed.”  Ladies we need to learn to find peace in our identity and be defined by who we are not what we do.  A bad day doesn’t make a bad life and if we believe that ALL things work together for good to those who love the Lord, then even when we hate our jobs, and it hurts, we can rest in Him and find His peace.

Prayer:

Father thank you for giving me this job, and for allowing me to go through this season of pain because I know that all things will work together for your good.  Lord I repent for allowing my hurt pride to blind my judgment, show me your perspective in this situation, help me learn humility and patience in Jesus name, Amen.