I am on the phone alot with moms of middle school girls, why? Because it is one of the most socially agressive times in a girls life. Its starts around fourth grade and by the time the hormones kick in, girls are struggling with some deep issues. Cutting, sexuality, identity, community, internal, and external pressures. I hope to help give you tools to begin the conversations with your daughters so that they can learn survival skills. These skills will help them thrive in environments where relational aggression flourishes. As your daughter grows and flourishes she can learn to survive this world a little better.
Speak up and Be aware
All kids struggle with big feelings, the reason why it is so hard for girls is because their feelings shared, can have a direct effect on their social life. Peer pressure for girls is being empathetic and compassionate. You don't want to stand out becuase then you won't have protection. And for many girls they crumble and diminsh who they are just trying to survive. Then this tactic stays with them for the rest of their lives. Learning how to stand up for yourself while being conscious of how your behavior can impact others can help you develop healthy relationships. So how do we do this in the home moms? We give our kids safe spaces at home to talk. We call out the good behaviors we are seeing.
Tell me how that makes you feel?
What do you want to do? I need to use your words.
When girls come to my house that is the one thing I teach them, I need you to tell me what you want and need. Many of them who are struggling with identity, struggle with telling me that they want chicken nuggets instead of a hamburger. It's because we as moms are not making spaces for our kids voices to be heard. We teach them to be nice in elementary school but we don't teach them how to express their needs in a proper manner. Middle school is about teaching them healthy ways to express themselves. Momma, they are going to express themselves no matter what, so be their guide on this journey.
Know your values:
Middle schoolers don't use critical thinking, which is why at times it is so dangerous to give them social media. It is straight dopamine to the brain. So you need to teach them through conversations. Asking questions like: what qualities are important to you in a friend relationship? How does that freindship make you feel? Since you have been hanging out with that child have you noticed your personality changing? The knowledge of what is important can help your child determine which friendships are healthy and which are toxic. You do not have to stay in an unhealthy friendship, and your child needs to know this. Help your daughter find ways to limit contact with toxic friends and seek out relationships that make them feel happy and good about themselves. My oldest daughter had one friend that made her feel sad all the time and that she constatnly had to protect. This girl was toxic and hurting my childs mental health. In middle school I told her she wasn't allowed over anymore because I saw my child try so hard to fix this girl. It was draining her and thankfully she listened to me. I will not apologize for teaching my kids boundaries because this world has alot of broken people, hurt people, and toxic people. Teaching them to know their limits and how it is affecting them will help them know who they are.
Strengthen your daughters self-esteem:
Both of my girls are complete opposites and being their mom has been a journey of exploration. I have NEVER compared them. Why? Because my eldest is smart, quiet, creative, debating, compassionate,and a deep thinker. It takes her time to really think things through. My youngest is driven, social, anxious, and very socail media savy. Before I got rid of tick tok she helped me get to 10,000 followers. She was nine at the time. I see them in all of their strengths and I call them out. I spend more time telling them how great they are and less time on what they need to fix.Middle school girls have enough to worry about and need to focus more on their strenghts than their weaknesses. Help them work on ways to feel confident about who they are, no matter what others say about you. My eldest daughter was bullied in middle school, she dressed different, she thought differently and this made her a target. Every day a group of kids would call her names, pick on her, and she had no good freinds. I watched her struggle through middle school and I prayed the whole time. Finally, our breakthrough day was over Christmas break. I found some not so good text messages and I didnt yell at her. I looked at her and said: I know this isn't who you are, tell me whats going on. I didn't shame her but the damn came open and she told me everything. She hated herself, she didn't have any self esteem left and the next day I was texting my freinds with college aged daughters. For the next year she was surrounded by nineteen year old girls who listened to her, who spoke life into her and helped her find herself.
Moms you need to surround your daughters with older girls who have been there. Now, she is rebuilding her life and she doesn't need affimration from anyone. She aims high for what she wants and no one can take away who she is. You can t fix this for her but you have to teach her how to stand and fight for who she is. The world will tell her who she isn't its our job to tell her who she is.
Develop coping skills:
As a parent we must be willing to help our child to explore healthy coping skills that can help them deal with difficult social situations. Participate in activities outside of school, or find recreational activities they enjoy. Both my girls are cheerleaders. But they also have had lead roles in plays, sing, play an instrument, draw, sew, and have a list of many other skills. It's not about the sports or the skills, it is about what they learn about who they are. They have learned to interact with different people and gain skills on how to interact with others. We want our daughters to not just survive but thrive. So I will put them in difficult and hard situations and use this as opportunities to problem solve. How do we deal with people we don't like? How do we navigate cultures different than ours, while maintaining our identity? Mommas I need you to think about these things becuase we are their first line of defense.
Talk to someone:
I pray daily for mentors for my daughters. Find them people that they can talk to that are older than them and not you. The adolescent social world can be difficult and pose any number of challenges. Find an adult they can trust and feel comfortable talking to. Whether it's just a space to vent or wanting advice on how to deal with difficult situations, getting that support can be extremely beneficial. A therapist is a great resource for this, but your school counselor might also be a helpful adult to seek out.
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