I sat down on the day of my thirty second birthday, feeling honestly just tired, I felt like I was a failure as a leader, a failure as a minister in my community. I felt tired, rejected and when I feel that way I go to my heavenly father. I went to him and started writing "God I didn't think it would be this hard, it is costing me so much, my team complains to me that I am not enough, other leaders that I thought would help me treat me like I am the plague, people I thought were my friends only call me to get information. I didn't think it would be this hard, seriously.." I stopped right there and began to laugh at myself. I actually laughed out loud as w I put my words to paper I saw my immaturity right in my face. "I am sorry Lord, at what point did I ever think this was going to be easy." I have never been completely all in 100% until I launched our Propel Outreach a year ago. I sat down with Erin a year ago at this time and didn't meet her eyes as I told her of what I felt God was calling me to do. Erin said 'yes' so easily I think I tricked myself into thinking everyone would be for this and there would be angels singing, a red carpet out in front of me with a whole row of people cheering me on. I even had the spots reserved with their names on it. Then it didn't happen like that, it was messy, it was rough, and it was hard, and it left me raw more times than I care to admit.
Oh have you ever been there? Passion Under Siege is my favorite topic because I have been living in the middle of it for the past year and if I were honest my whole I have been in a war with who I knew I was and who I wanted to be. I wanted safe and comfortable but you can't be all in and comfortable and the last few years I decided to be brave and jump into God's all for my life. In session 1 and 2 we dissect figuring out what passion is, where we are passionate, why we are passionate and what we are passionate about. This is just the beginning of your story, its filled with fear of anticipation, dreaming of how its going to go and you love to start anything. Like young love you see it through rose colored glasses, but then something happens. The slow residue of life begins to taint your passion and you find yourself either drowning or fighting. I have a few things I want to share with you in the middle of your Passion Under Siege.
1. External Storms
When I think of Under Siege I think of storms on a boat in the middle of the ocean. This speaks to me, its all hands on deck when the storm is hitting the boat. You secure everything of value because if you don't it will be lost overboard. When you have a Godly passion you are pursuing chances are you are going to have some external storms come your way. This is the deck of your boat, those on your deck and the things on your deck, your anchor, your sails, your ropes, ect. When external storms come you have to tie down everything that matters. You throw overboard anything that is weighing you down, not because you want to but because you want to live. You see Passion Under Siege as a hold onto to what you need, not what you want. You loose things in external storms damage is done to you and you have to mend and fix that which you find valuable in the storm. On the other side of it you see God's hand through the storm.
2. Internal Storms
I subscribe to the notion that "Nothing can stop you but you." I have seen it over my life of working in churches seeing leaders rise, fall, loose everything they have. I have seen more struggle than I have seen thrive. People say they "you don't love Jesus unless you are willing to sacrifice your family on the alter." This has caused more damage than you can even dream and people that I love and that have led me over time are no longer leading anyone. The reason? Because most of us lead from broken places that internal storms have ravaged. I saw at 15 that there were two kinds of ministers those who were in it for self reasons and those who were in it for God reasons. Both had to face the internal storms, you can't outrun them. I have led from the middle of the storm and I can tell you I hurt someone I loved. Someone who everyday I think about and yet there is nothing I can do to fix it. The internal storms will kill more people and cause more harm than the external storms. You can't see anyone if you are too busy trying to avoid the internal struggle. I get it, you had dreams expectations. And the reality is terrifying. My self worth was placed in the wrong place ladies and gentlemen. I didn't want to hear I mismanaged my team. I didn't want to hear they were tired, I didn't want to see their eyes disappointed in me. My internal storm was killing me.
3. Get Help.
During this season that I was going through all this I reached out to the Propel Chapter Coordinator, her name is Ashley. I basically said "HELP I AM OUT OF MY DEPTH" I told someone I was drowning, and she gave me some great advice and then got me connected with my life coach. Shame that I felt for reaching out was real, but I knew I didn't want to die in the middle. Every leader needs a safe place to vent, a safe place to work through your issues, a safe place to be vulnerable. The problem is we choose the wrong place and cause more damage or we avoid the depth of our issues and they come out in different ways. A sick leader will always cause damage. Get someone in your life who you can decompress, I love my husband but I can't decompress everything with him. Besides if he tried to hold me accountable I would probably kick him. She didn't give me 5 steps to build a team, she didn't give me a set up for meeting or structure, she helped me see myself for who I was, love myself right where I was and help me walk through it. God also sent some other great women leaders into my life that I again reached out too and asked questions. Most of us want our self image to say "we know what we are doing." and there is a value to that, but if you are not learning and growing in safe dark places, you can't grow deep roots. I have seen too much in my life, and most of it hasn't been good. So it is from there that I address it, my fears, my worth and I move forward into the call God had for me.
The middle is scary, it is hard, and it is painful, but don't stay in isolation, don't hold onto things God is trying to get away from you, and assess the internal structure of your soul, your body, your mind, and your strength. It is here where you will thrive, here where you will grow and you will begin to thrive. I am coming through this, you will too. Let us all worship God in the middle, be honest with where we are and here in this broken place we find beauty in who he is making us. I am being remade into his likeness this is a painful process, but one that is so worth it. Be kind to yourself, love who you are, all of you.
If you would like more information about Passion Under Siege check out the Propel Store
www.propelwomen.org
Oh have you ever been there? Passion Under Siege is my favorite topic because I have been living in the middle of it for the past year and if I were honest my whole I have been in a war with who I knew I was and who I wanted to be. I wanted safe and comfortable but you can't be all in and comfortable and the last few years I decided to be brave and jump into God's all for my life. In session 1 and 2 we dissect figuring out what passion is, where we are passionate, why we are passionate and what we are passionate about. This is just the beginning of your story, its filled with fear of anticipation, dreaming of how its going to go and you love to start anything. Like young love you see it through rose colored glasses, but then something happens. The slow residue of life begins to taint your passion and you find yourself either drowning or fighting. I have a few things I want to share with you in the middle of your Passion Under Siege.
1. External Storms
When I think of Under Siege I think of storms on a boat in the middle of the ocean. This speaks to me, its all hands on deck when the storm is hitting the boat. You secure everything of value because if you don't it will be lost overboard. When you have a Godly passion you are pursuing chances are you are going to have some external storms come your way. This is the deck of your boat, those on your deck and the things on your deck, your anchor, your sails, your ropes, ect. When external storms come you have to tie down everything that matters. You throw overboard anything that is weighing you down, not because you want to but because you want to live. You see Passion Under Siege as a hold onto to what you need, not what you want. You loose things in external storms damage is done to you and you have to mend and fix that which you find valuable in the storm. On the other side of it you see God's hand through the storm.
2. Internal Storms
I subscribe to the notion that "Nothing can stop you but you." I have seen it over my life of working in churches seeing leaders rise, fall, loose everything they have. I have seen more struggle than I have seen thrive. People say they "you don't love Jesus unless you are willing to sacrifice your family on the alter." This has caused more damage than you can even dream and people that I love and that have led me over time are no longer leading anyone. The reason? Because most of us lead from broken places that internal storms have ravaged. I saw at 15 that there were two kinds of ministers those who were in it for self reasons and those who were in it for God reasons. Both had to face the internal storms, you can't outrun them. I have led from the middle of the storm and I can tell you I hurt someone I loved. Someone who everyday I think about and yet there is nothing I can do to fix it. The internal storms will kill more people and cause more harm than the external storms. You can't see anyone if you are too busy trying to avoid the internal struggle. I get it, you had dreams expectations. And the reality is terrifying. My self worth was placed in the wrong place ladies and gentlemen. I didn't want to hear I mismanaged my team. I didn't want to hear they were tired, I didn't want to see their eyes disappointed in me. My internal storm was killing me.
3. Get Help.
During this season that I was going through all this I reached out to the Propel Chapter Coordinator, her name is Ashley. I basically said "HELP I AM OUT OF MY DEPTH" I told someone I was drowning, and she gave me some great advice and then got me connected with my life coach. Shame that I felt for reaching out was real, but I knew I didn't want to die in the middle. Every leader needs a safe place to vent, a safe place to work through your issues, a safe place to be vulnerable. The problem is we choose the wrong place and cause more damage or we avoid the depth of our issues and they come out in different ways. A sick leader will always cause damage. Get someone in your life who you can decompress, I love my husband but I can't decompress everything with him. Besides if he tried to hold me accountable I would probably kick him. She didn't give me 5 steps to build a team, she didn't give me a set up for meeting or structure, she helped me see myself for who I was, love myself right where I was and help me walk through it. God also sent some other great women leaders into my life that I again reached out too and asked questions. Most of us want our self image to say "we know what we are doing." and there is a value to that, but if you are not learning and growing in safe dark places, you can't grow deep roots. I have seen too much in my life, and most of it hasn't been good. So it is from there that I address it, my fears, my worth and I move forward into the call God had for me.
The middle is scary, it is hard, and it is painful, but don't stay in isolation, don't hold onto things God is trying to get away from you, and assess the internal structure of your soul, your body, your mind, and your strength. It is here where you will thrive, here where you will grow and you will begin to thrive. I am coming through this, you will too. Let us all worship God in the middle, be honest with where we are and here in this broken place we find beauty in who he is making us. I am being remade into his likeness this is a painful process, but one that is so worth it. Be kind to yourself, love who you are, all of you.
If you would like more information about Passion Under Siege check out the Propel Store
www.propelwomen.org
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