Stamp of Approval : Part 1

Who do need to seek approval from?

So if you have been following my blog for the last two years you know that I have struggled with wanting to be a people pleaser.  Their is a story in the Bible about two brothers Jacob and Esau. Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of soup essentially.  Did his birthright mean so little to him?  In the same way I have given away my gifting and abilities, and overlooked my God given worth, just for someone to tell me I had value.  Its like a daughter who you tell is beautiful and she won't believe it because someone at school told her she wasn't.  We buy into lies much quicker than we believe the truth, and jump through hoops.   I  have agreed with things I knew was wrong, and all for what?  To have someone approve of me.   Learning that sometimes you have to walk the valley of disapproval to know that even if others forsake you or betray you, God will still be with you.  It is important to inspect and assess you current life, relationships, and what you are holding.  It is important to ask yourself this one question: Am I doing this so that someone likes me or approves of me, or do I know that this is where God has placed me?  If we want to preserve and persevere in present day crazy we first have to inspect our motives and the underlying or 'root' cause of why we are trying so hard. 

What does man's approval look like?
   Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, with very real panic attacks.  I tried to run from it, I tried to pretend they weren't there and sitting beside my husband in a coffee shop I whispered with tears welling up in my eyes. "I am not okay."  I had some pretty messed up approval ideas and God was gently rewiring me, even though it felt like hell.  I took Xanax to survive normal life, I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, wanted to rewrap my heart in anger and bitterness, I wanted anything to make this pain go away, this was after all what I tried to protect myself from: rejection from others. It felt like I was stripped down naked and standing where everyone was watching.  It is painful to realize that more people wanted you to fail than wanted to see you succeed and knowing that with every naked step you take can cause you pain, shame, anxiety, and frustration.   So what was going on here?  Was I a bad person, a weak person? Some people told me God was punishing me, others talked about me behind my back, and sadly, others choose to cut off our friendship because it was too much.  I lost much in this season and I was awakened to something more and although painful, I can look back and see the beauty in the ashes.
     God was lovingly taking me through the areas of my life that were killing me.  The biggest one:  I thought I needed someone's stamp of approval to have value, and I couldn't get their approval no matter what I did.  It felt like I was never enough, I was always lacking somehow, and it fed into the idea that I was unworthy. This led to anxiety, to irrational fear, and it spiraled me to seek approval of anyone who would tell me I had value.  It changed me into someone I didn't know and didn't like.  I just wanted to hear it from someone, and those around me withheld those words from me, and it hurt, it bled, and I wanted to just make the pain stop.  This is what man's approval looks like.  It is chaos, its time consuming, and it's a monster that is never done being fed.  It will kill you, it will rob, you and will isolate you from any life-giving relationships. The stamp of approval costs too much and requires you to give your soul to it.   Man's approval will always leave you needing more because it is a bandaid solution to a surgical problem.
What does God's approval look like?
If you asked me what God's approval looked like two years ago I wouldn't know anymore.  I spent too many years going down the rabbit trail trying to find my purpose in someone else, or something else.  But it started with stating that I was not okay, I was trying too hard to be something I wasn't, and I wasn't giving from an authentic place. My part was admitting or confessing that I was not okay, I then invited God into my very sick and broken place.   Gods approval starts with grace, I want to be very clear that it is a starting place, and for a doer and people pleaser grace is hard for me.  Not only giving it, but receiving it. To say that God approves of me based on nothing I could do or have done, I struggle to wrap my mind around it.  At times grace just doesn't seem fair, but that is the beauty of grace, it levels the playing field for all mankind.   Paul says in Eph 2:8  "For you are saved by grace, through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God's gift, not from works, so that no man can boast." 
     Gods grace is not anything we can earn, but it is something freely given.  The above scripture was written by a man who killed Christians and persecuted the early church, and had a radical transformation.  So God's approval is something you cannot earn, it is something given, through the cross of Jesus.   God's grace is approval, it is knowing that no matter how I mess up, if I keep coming back to the cross, if I keep inviting His lordship; keep allowing me to renew my mind, I feel, yes FEEL God's grace wash over me.  I have daily began to pray "Jesus come into my broken places, my dark places, my hidden places, I need you here, I give you consent here." Because daily I need his love, daily I need grace.  Grace is the daily starting place and it is through the lens of grace that I can keep a firm grip on compassion, and my purpose.  It is not a place where we squander His grace saying "I can do what I want, because God loves me."  This is not the goal of God's approval.  As I said in a previous blog our "Holy Vocation" is to Love God and point others to him. God approves of you because he designed you in His image and it is this truth you need to embrace instead of the lie that you are unapproved. 
Filters and Photoshop 
My last challenge for you is to find your root lie.  Mine is found in unworthiness, I bought the lie that I wasn't worthy, something was wrong with me on a very basic level and that I had to work to gain others approval.  It has been a pattern clear back to childhood.  My performance mindset fed that lie even more, and so I created an image of myself that put myself in the best light.  I had a filter that I saw my life through and wanted others to see it through.  Here is the problem with filters, unless its the right filter it distorts truth and you cannot see it from where you are standing.  Filters don't just change how others see you, it distorts how you see yourself.  So find the filter, find the root lie and then bring it into the open.  You cannot be all who God says you are unless you KNOW you are approved by him.  So my challenge is clear and I hope that this gives you strength and allows you to openly see that seeking first your kingdom will only lead to destruction.  Seek Gods kingdom FIRST and ALL these things will be added unto you. 

Lots of Love
Cassie