I don't know who I am
I told you my first life crisis of identity was at 28 years an old, standing on a platform singing "I know who I am, I know who I am, I know who I am, I am yours, I am yours." Well the truth for me during that season was I didn't know who I was anymore and I wasn't sure if I knew who God was. You see I grew up with a whole lot of damage. Poverty was a genuine reality for my first eighteen years of my life, abuse was prevalent, and if I am honest, the enemy did an excellent job of hiding my true identity through religious expectation, performance, and perfection. From the outside, I had it all together standing up on the stage holding a microphone. My clothes were stylish, my hair and makeup were on point, I had a great husband, beautiful children, and good job. I traded who I was for fitting into a church mold of who I thought I was supposed to be. Fear, held me back from telling people that I wanted to preach and teach God's word. I knew the girl who was passionate for Jesus, the one who had a bold faith, who believed God for anything but I was so caught up in trying to do all the right things that I lost sight of my true self.
People Pleaser
When we lose sight of ourselves, we have to look to something else to tell us who we are. I found it in praise of people. I wanted to be liked, told I had value because, for the first eighteen years of my life, leaders didn't speak words of life over me. I was told for the first time in 33 years that I was smart by a man in authority, and it hasn't been for lack of opportunity. This area of my life God is still healing, but I need you to know that I was a Christian standing on a platform leading a song, and realizing that something was wrong. I was a people pleaser, I wanted people to like me, and I traded my authenticity for popularity. This blog is not one of those blogs where you read "I was a people pleaser but God set me free...blah, blah, blah." I am not going to do that to you, and I won't diminish the process that I have had to go through to get freedom. I was in a fight for my purpose because I gave it away and to get it back I had to enter into the battle of not bowing down anymore.
What am I bowing down too?
Who am I? that is the question I began to ask every day, the anxiety came when there was no answer for me to that question. Religion was natural, I could play the game, check off the list. Teach, sing, lead, go on Sundays, there was nothing that required much from me, but checking off the list was killing my purpose, my anointing, and my very soul. The temptation for many Christians is to trade pleasing God for pleasing a leader, justifying it by saying "God would want me to serve them." Ladies if you are not obeying God, getting quiet and listening to him, it doesn't matter how many hoops you jump through to please a leader, you will be miserable. Why? Well because the head of the body of Christ is Jesus. So you are first and foremost submitted to him, and you better know your master's voice. At the time, I spent more time caring about what my church leadership said about me that I was so full of anxiety. At the end of it, I couldn't jump through any more hoops, and they couldn't meet my expectations. Relationships based on performance and expectations will always end with you and the other party losing something, and many times that something is an authentic and genuine relationship.
Learning to stand tall.
It's a different world to walk into when you stop seeking the flattery of men; you stop hoping someone will see you. You are no longer held by what people think of you, and you begin to listen to God rather than bowing to the praise or disapproval of men. I lived there, and it almost killed me. Trying to please people, then resenting those people, had me on an emotional rollercoaster that crashed and burned. I still keep the bottle of Zoloft and Xanax to remind me of the cost of trying to please people. It had me bent over for so long that learning how to stand tall under the banner of Jesus was a new pattern of thinking. But it started with letting go of the old performance and expectation relational trap.
You see there is a real enemy who is the deceiver and before we can blink we will find ourselves thinking in patterns that don't match up to who God says we are. That is why getting into the word daily is so important; we need our minds renewed. Today I want to ask you to take the first step and make a conscious choice to stop bowing down to the very things that are killing you. Instead, give God Lordship in your life and stand tall under His banner of love, and watch as He changes you and grows you.
I told you my first life crisis of identity was at 28 years an old, standing on a platform singing "I know who I am, I know who I am, I know who I am, I am yours, I am yours." Well the truth for me during that season was I didn't know who I was anymore and I wasn't sure if I knew who God was. You see I grew up with a whole lot of damage. Poverty was a genuine reality for my first eighteen years of my life, abuse was prevalent, and if I am honest, the enemy did an excellent job of hiding my true identity through religious expectation, performance, and perfection. From the outside, I had it all together standing up on the stage holding a microphone. My clothes were stylish, my hair and makeup were on point, I had a great husband, beautiful children, and good job. I traded who I was for fitting into a church mold of who I thought I was supposed to be. Fear, held me back from telling people that I wanted to preach and teach God's word. I knew the girl who was passionate for Jesus, the one who had a bold faith, who believed God for anything but I was so caught up in trying to do all the right things that I lost sight of my true self.People Pleaser
When we lose sight of ourselves, we have to look to something else to tell us who we are. I found it in praise of people. I wanted to be liked, told I had value because, for the first eighteen years of my life, leaders didn't speak words of life over me. I was told for the first time in 33 years that I was smart by a man in authority, and it hasn't been for lack of opportunity. This area of my life God is still healing, but I need you to know that I was a Christian standing on a platform leading a song, and realizing that something was wrong. I was a people pleaser, I wanted people to like me, and I traded my authenticity for popularity. This blog is not one of those blogs where you read "I was a people pleaser but God set me free...blah, blah, blah." I am not going to do that to you, and I won't diminish the process that I have had to go through to get freedom. I was in a fight for my purpose because I gave it away and to get it back I had to enter into the battle of not bowing down anymore.
What am I bowing down too?
Who am I? that is the question I began to ask every day, the anxiety came when there was no answer for me to that question. Religion was natural, I could play the game, check off the list. Teach, sing, lead, go on Sundays, there was nothing that required much from me, but checking off the list was killing my purpose, my anointing, and my very soul. The temptation for many Christians is to trade pleasing God for pleasing a leader, justifying it by saying "God would want me to serve them." Ladies if you are not obeying God, getting quiet and listening to him, it doesn't matter how many hoops you jump through to please a leader, you will be miserable. Why? Well because the head of the body of Christ is Jesus. So you are first and foremost submitted to him, and you better know your master's voice. At the time, I spent more time caring about what my church leadership said about me that I was so full of anxiety. At the end of it, I couldn't jump through any more hoops, and they couldn't meet my expectations. Relationships based on performance and expectations will always end with you and the other party losing something, and many times that something is an authentic and genuine relationship.
Learning to stand tall.
It's a different world to walk into when you stop seeking the flattery of men; you stop hoping someone will see you. You are no longer held by what people think of you, and you begin to listen to God rather than bowing to the praise or disapproval of men. I lived there, and it almost killed me. Trying to please people, then resenting those people, had me on an emotional rollercoaster that crashed and burned. I still keep the bottle of Zoloft and Xanax to remind me of the cost of trying to please people. It had me bent over for so long that learning how to stand tall under the banner of Jesus was a new pattern of thinking. But it started with letting go of the old performance and expectation relational trap.
You see there is a real enemy who is the deceiver and before we can blink we will find ourselves thinking in patterns that don't match up to who God says we are. That is why getting into the word daily is so important; we need our minds renewed. Today I want to ask you to take the first step and make a conscious choice to stop bowing down to the very things that are killing you. Instead, give God Lordship in your life and stand tall under His banner of love, and watch as He changes you and grows you.
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