My children are in the most dreaded season of their lives: Middle School and High School. It's hard, it's volatile, and it emotionally exhausting for everyone involved. Many moms struggle with middle school. One reason can be that they never dealt the pain of their middle school experience, we have moms reliving the trauma of middle school, and children trying to survive it. It can turn into a mess and our children can feel isolated and alone or disengaged. I want to help you, help them survive middle school. I have two daughters and one is a freshman in highschool, the other is a sixth grader and I can tell you I was not prepared for girls in middle school and my eldest barely survived it. I have moms who ask me how to survive it and this whole series is my take on what you can do to help you kids survive middle school. There are three questions I ask my girls everyday when they get in the car.
1. How was your day?
2. Who did you sit with at lunch?
3. Who is dead to us?
These questions are not at random and I didn't start them in middle school. I started them in kindergarten because I needed to know how they were doing. Fear not, this process can start anytime. These three questions allow my children to open up and let me know how to gauge if we are going to stop for ice cream, a gym work out, or bubble bath. I need a read on where they are emotionally and these questions are my assessment tool. The first one allows me to gauge how disengaged they are from their school environment, if they shrug their shoulders they are on autopilot. Ice cream for sure. If they unload on how angry they are and horrible it was I just listen empathetically, they are told what to do ALL day and it is my job to give them a place where they are seen and heart.
The second question is the most important one: It's all about social. Lunch,is the ballroom of middle school, it is where all social hierarchy happen. Who your kids sit with matters, and I can find out all the social wars in middle school that are being waged just by finding out who switched tables. I know who is mad at who, who is getting along, and who is being potentially bullied. I keep in my mind a full list of my daughter's friends. Once, in middle school, I knew a situation was going on with a girl, myself and another mom had a talk about how to help her daughter. That child moved on and was able to survive that situation. Knowing who they are sitting with will help you. Your kids are feeling vulnerable and you need to know who is sitting in their circle.
The third question is my favorite: Who is dead to us. This allows my kids to process their emotions. If they are angry at someone, especially as a girl, it can come out in social aggression and ruin relationships and hurt other middle schoolers. By being an ally for them in middle school it allows you to have insider information on how they are feeling. My daughters have been mad at their friends, and they were dead to them for a day, and then they are friends again. By allowing them a safe space to vent their anger they then process through it and move on. This is helping them learn mature growth. Other children we discuss their character and how they may or not be good for them. I ONLY intervene in a situation that is harming my child or another child, they have to learn how to navigate this world. You cannot save them or prevent the pain of growth. You can only teach them how to move through it.
Middle School is a war zone, you need to be the Red Cross. You job in this season, is to provide aid to help them learn, heal, and grow. Home should not be a stressful place, it should be a safe place. I can tell you I am more present in this season of my daughters lives then I was in previous seasons, because this is where their identity is formed and what they will process as an adult. As a mom, it matters what I do and how I lead my children, Let me know the questions you have while we go through this journey.
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