I want to talk to you about one of the hardest things your daughters will deal with. Petty social environments. I remember once someone was hurting my daughter socially and being a momma bear, I wanted to go into Defcon 5 mode. I think every mom has been there, we have felt the hurt of social aggression, especially if we have daughters. I had felt social agression when I was growing up, but it wasn't until I was in women's ministry that I heard the term social aggression. What is Social Aggression? Social aggression is a form of antisocial behavior (Burt et al., 2012) in which social relationships and social status are used to damage reputations and inflict emotional harm on others, and centers on behaviors such as gossiping, ostracism, and threatening to end a friendship. If your a mom of girls, it sounds like every single middle school experience right? That would be because this is the number one issue girls have. Where boys have physical aggression, girls use social aggression as a way of controlling environments.
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It is generational as well and comes from the mothers of these girls. These girls grow up and become teachers, parents, leaders, and this cultural toxic environment leaks into the next generation. So what momma, are you supposed to do? How do you protect your children from this? The short answer is you don't protect them from it, you teach them how to combat it. You start by asking this one question: What is the purpose? No matter what situation you are in moms, you need to be starting with the end in mind. What is the purpose of middle school? If the purpose is for your child to feel special and chosen, you will demean and diminish others to make your child feel that way. But if your purpose is to help give your child tools to deal with this very real issue then purpose matters. What does social aggression look like? Gossiping, bullying, sharing information about others, exclusion, teasing, and cyberbullying.
The first thing I want you to understand that many times this is generational. This is how their mom, grandmother, father, olders sisters coped. So you are dealing with a family of social aggression, that means wherever that family goes there are going to be toxic cultures. I have observed this over and over again. You are not going to change people, what you are going to do is learn how to navigate antisocial behaviors. There are three things you can do to help your daughters walk through the issue of social aggression.
Teach them empathy
There was a moment at a gym where my daughters were caught excluding another little girl, they were four and six. I was coaching gymnastics at the time and came off the floor to deal with this issue. I put my four year old on the outside of the door and then my six year old and asked them how they would feel if someone did that to them? They began to tear up and immediately apologized. Empathy changed their behavior. As I watch my eldest daughter she has deep empathy, which is why she is going into a caring profession, and she makes every person feel special. My youngest, still is learning empathy but it is something that must be identified. Constantly my question to her is: How would you feel if someone did that to you? Social aggression is a form of anti-social behavior. Whether your child is being targeted, or participating I want to understand it is not social but anti social, it is an abuse of community and a weaponization of people. Communities are made stronger by social connections, if your child only learns to shut down, or be aggressive they will not connect well in any area of their life.
Teach them communication and problem solving skills
Most of leadership has little to do with hard skills and more to do with social navigation and communication. Communication isn't just one way but it is two. Listening is something that is missing in antisocial behavior. Listening with an intent to hear instead of reply is an important skill. The first rule of problem solving is the problem isn't a person, but at times the behavior. When you are socially aggressive you make someone a scapegoat. You demonize them, and then you treat them as such. Middle School kids are still learning and navigating big feelings, and need guidance and help in working through problems. Helping them navigate and a listening ear will help them grow as people and eventually they will make the communities they live in better for it.
Model it
We have a phrase in our lives that we are raising little leaders, not positional leaders. That means we must be willing to model this behavior. How are you antisocial? What are you teaching your daughter? Do you exclude others? Do you use social agression? If you do your daughters are going to model it. Be better for your children and learn and grow as a person. If you need to see a therapist, do it. You need to help your girls navigate rough waters and need to be a steady captain.
Here are some tips from Good therapy on your daughter survival skills
The following skills may be helpful for girls attempting to survive the adolescent social world and thrive in environments where relational aggression flourishes.
- Be assertive: Learning how to stand up for yourself while being conscious of how your behavior can impact others can help you develop healthy relationships.
- Know your values: Explore what qualities are important to you in a friend relationship. The knowledge of what is important can help you determine which friendships are healthy and which are toxic. You do not have to stay in an unhealthy friendship. Find ways to limit contact with toxic friends and seek out relationships that make you feel happy and good about yourself.
- Strengthen your self-esteem: Work on ways to feel confident about who you are, no matter what others say about you.
- Develop coping skills: Explore healthy coping skills that can help you deal with difficult social situations. Participate in activities outside of school, or find recreational activities you enjoy.
- Talk to someone: The adolescent social world can be difficult and pose any number of challenges. Find an adult you trust and feel comfortable talking to. Whether you would simply like a space to vent or you want advice on how to deal with difficult situations, getting that support can be extremely beneficial. A therapist is a great resource for this, but your school counselor might also be a helpful adult to seek out.
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