Relationships in the Wait

So last week I talked to you guys about the growth in the wait and how God can use disappointments to be catalysts to where exactly he wants us.  Now if you are anything like me, this statement frustrates you because you are right smack dab in the middle of disappointment, and to you I would continue to encourage you to speak God's truths over your situations, find safe people and get in right relationships.  It is here I want to start this week because we live in a very interconnected cyber world and yet and very disconnected physical world.  I have a seventeen year old step son who I love very much, but he doesn't much like people.  He calls it 'fobbing' when you are on your phone in order to avoid any human interaction.  Sadly, most of us are fobbing through our life trying to avoid the very people God wants us to interact with while trying to impress those who won't remember us in a year.  Ouch, I would highly encourage you this week to sit down and read this a few times through.  I am not talking as one who is wise enough to learn from others mistakes, I am talking as one foolish enough to have to struggle with this.

The relationships we think we need  

     I have spent the majority of my life pushing myself to be a part of relationships that didn't feel authentic, they felt forced, they felt like I was supposed to do it, but I didn't want to.  These relationships drained me and they were totally unhealthy.  I hated the person I was when I was in  the company of these people and I felt like I could never be myself here, the real me, the vulnerable me. Looking back I couldn't do it again, I wouldn't let people try to change me into what they wanted me to be. So why did I do it?  Because I felt I needed these people to tell myself I had importance.  It is the sand bag that has holes in it, you keep filling it but it runs out the bottom.  Leaving depression, bitterness and anxiety.  I told myself "If I could get them to like me, then maybe this feeling will go away.  I was the worst version of me here, I was manipulative, tearful, fearful and ended with me being rejected and although sad, angry bitter and hurt.  I also felt like I could finally breathe, I had one other time in my life when this happened and the greatest thing I ever did was end that relationship pattern.  If you are seeking something from someone you think you need chances are you are building a false idol in a place where only God can be.  God used this as an opportunity to point to people that I was taking for granted and to redirect my misconceptions.  Joseph in the bible,  did this with his brothers, he wanted them to bow down to him, to respect him and he in his youthful foolishness spoke out something that put him on the path to his dream, and God firmly got Joseph away from the very ones he was trying to impress.  So, who are you trying to impress, who do you think you need to help you get where only God can take you? Let go, because you are just building sand castles in the sand and it only takes one wave for it all to come crashing down.  

The Relationships we want 

Oh, this one is so hard because we see redirection as rejection.  Yes, I would hold you here my friend because although the sting and pain of the ones you think you need hurts, it doesn't hurt nearly as deep as letting go of relationships we want.  These for me hurt, because you were invested, you thought the other person was invested, you gave a whole lot and for one reason or another, you were no longer wanted.  I have found myself in many political life situations and nothing stings as much as someone you love, choosing something or someone else over you.  Hurt, pain, bitterness, shame, anger and rejection come at you wave after wave, and lets face it, sometimes it is moment by moment to not let these feelings knock you over and cause you pain.  You want to run, hide and make the pain stop, you even now are trying to numb the feelings any way you can.  Distraction is my go to, I will get lost in a good book, binge watch TV, sleep, or get on social media and check out whats going on somewhere else.  I want to encourage you to let yourself FEEL everything, do not NUMB, do not RUN, do not HIDE.  Stand and let yourself feel and grieve for the relationship that was lost.  Brene Brown in Rising Strong says "If you numb the bad feelings you will numb the good as well."  Processing through your hurt, pain, anger resentment, and rejection will help heal you. Whether that other person felt that way about you or not, that doesn't matter.  What matters is you were invested and you lost something.   Give yourself permission to grieve.  

The Real Relationships

So here is where I tell you this world kinda knocks us all down and around, it takes it's toll on all of us, and if we are not careful we can miss those that really matter in life. I wish I could tell you I have done everything right but I haven't, God has been gracious and has sent me some pretty amazing people to help me heal.  I found myself on the other side of rocky relationships angry, bitter, shutting down and numbing myself.  I was building walls that God knocked down, because even if I was in prison and miserable I was safe from the pain of people rejecting me.  Alone was better than together because people suck, sarcasm was better than being honest that I was hurting.  And being hard was better than being vulnerable because rejection was killing me.  This is where I was, this was my daily fight every day morning till night, as I looked and said "Everything is meaningless because I felt I was meaningless because a small group of people  that I thought mattered rejected me."  I am not proud of this thinking but I feel like I need to be honest with you because for too long we make something pretty that is ugly and you can't slap a bow on bitterness.  In my misery where God didn't fix it, I found I had some pretty amazing friends.  

    My first relationship that God healed was my relationship with Him.  I am a doer and a worker and I don't like to be still.  In my wait, I began to tell him how mad I was at him.  I named the wrongs, wrote them in my journal, told him I was angry at him, asked him if He hated me, why when I said "I surrender to your call"  did you think it was okay to cause me harm. I am laughed at, I am rejected and I don't understand."  In that moment God began to whisper what Chris Tomlin sang "I am a good Father."  I didn't want to believe it, that he was good because then that meant the bad stuff that happened he let happened and why would a good father do that?  We began to walk together He and I, not ministry, but just us in my kitchen, in my car, in my living room.  I spent time sitting quietly with God daily.  I was honest for the first time in 31 years and I could still feel his love in my heart.  He had to first right my perspective of who He was before anything else could happen.  

  The next place was in my family.  You see I have generational dysfunction and broken relationships in my family. Relationships are factioned on who you are for and who you are against.   I wanted to see God break this curse and in order to do that I had to choose a different path than that of my family before me.  I am replenished by my husband and my children in my life.  I choose to make them, not let them run to friends houses and spend time together as a family. I call them "my people" because they are from me and I want to spend time with my people.  I choose to work part time during this season to spend time with my kids rather than ship them to babysitters so I can build a career that will not bury me.  I learned the real relationships that mattered most was that of my family, because they are my first assignment.  I can say no to other things because this season is short and I can make money at any time in my life.  

  The final place that I needed to get right was the outer rim of my relationships.  Friends, leaders, tribe, coworkers, all of it had to get reorganized and clarity and definition had to come to these relationships.  I found close friends, mentors, and a tribe full of women, as well as coworkers.  My identity has to first be found in God, then healthy family connections and then healthy connections.  I can't give what I don't have and God had to shake everything up, flip it upside down so he could get it put back together.  I hate to admit it but I was seeking unhealthy relationships with people in order to feel I had self worth.  God broke my relationships in the wait to fix my perspective, because that which I thought mattered didn't, and that which mattered was being neglected.  I began to surround myself with people who knew me, knew my heart, and loved me.  Something I didn't do easily.  I had let others in before who I thought should have been there and they hurt me and broke me.  God breaking unhealthy relationships was hard, it hurt, but as I am coming to understand I need safe places to rest.  You do too.

So where are your relationships broken?  Who do you need to let go of, not only physically but who do you need to let go of in forgiveness?  Many times we are so bound by those who aren't even in our lives anymore.  Which ghosts do you need to release?  And who has God put into your life that you are overlooking?  I want to encourage you if you feel like the world is falling apart breath and really look around you, who has God placed in your life to bless you and who has he put in your path to bless?  Don't quit but use the wait as a place to let him remake and maybe break relationships that are hindering your perspective.