It's something I was taught at a young age: God is perfect, his ways are higher, he is perfect, holy, and everything good. I could repeat this to anyone at a young age and truly believed it with all my heart.
As a child who isn't really a rule follower, I really struggled with the perfect God in my life. You know the one that allowed me to be sexually abused as a child, spiritually abused clear into my adulthood. You know the one that allowed male leaders to tell me that I was less than because of my gender, that they didn't believe in women, and therefore didn't believe in me. As a child I looked at people and was confused, because I also met God through Jesus at an early age. I accepted Christ as my savior from my earliest memories, I talked to God every night, told him about my day, I can remember this clear back to four. So what do you do when you love God, but you don't necessarily love the people he put around us? Or when life hits us in the gut and we are left on the floor hardly breathing and curled up in the fetal position just trying to survive the pain that is coming in waves, and we feel like we are coming apart at the seams.
Thankfully I am not a little girl who is still being molested and I have learned to find my value and hope in who God says that I am. It took almost twelve years for him to remove all the hurt, the fears, the anxieties, and me to be restored in who God created me to be. So what did it take? What did I do? Well I got mad at God. Yep, I got mad at the perfect, holy, and high God. If you go to the book of Psalms 73 David got mad at God and he told Him.
We have to be willing to trust God with everything including ALL our emotions
David said it he didn't hold back he says in Psalms 73:13
Did I purify my heart and wash my hands in innocence for nothing? For I am afflicted all day long and punished every morning.
David spoke these things to God, not on facebook, twitter, or calling his best friend. He gave God only his inner thoughts and wrote them down, for millions to read later in life. When life sucks, it hits hard, we can't even breathe let alone move due to the pain we feel, we want to say all the right things, do all the right things. But we aren't honest with our inner self and we aren't honest with God. When we choose to say the right things but cover up what we are feeling we are essentially building a wall around that area and we don't walk through and process everything. David says specifically in verse 15 "If I would have spoken these things out I would have betrayed your people" He knew he had to walk a very close line to dealing with his emotions but not damaging his call.
I was a good Christian girl, I did all the right things, I followed His word. I didn't drink, didn't smoke, could quote scripture, prayed, served in church, and I was asking the same question David asked. Is it all for nothing?! I was in a pit, spiritually speaking. I didn't put myself there, others put me there, labeled me, took my coat and left me for dead. I sat in a dark place, terrified, wanting out, but unable to climb out, I tired everything I could in myself, but still the walls remained around me. I was officially stuck, in a pit. When I tried to seek counsel from others in honest desperation, it was used against me. More labels, more dirt in the pit I was so desperately wanted out of. I felt like I was being buried alive, unable to trust anyone, alone in my pit, which was turning into my grave. Finally I got out my journal and I started with the words "Father I am angry with you." I told him everything, I wrote down all the shame, the pain, the names I was called, the labels, the frustration that no one apologized, that I felt cast away. I got very real, very honest with him. Tears hit the pages as for the first time I trusted my Heavenly Father with my anger.
David says in Verse 21: When I became embittered and my innermost being was wounded I was stupid, and I didn't understand I was an unthinking animal towards you.
Once I was done expressing my anger, all of it, not some of it but I told him exactly how I felt I told Him I felt like he didn't love me, that he hated me. Then I did what David did I repented "So Lord I repent for not trusting you. For allowing what others have done to me to trump what Jesus did for me on the Cross. Father get me out for good, shut the lid so I don't fall back into this pit. Father I can't get out on my own, I need you to get me out." These were my words in my journal that I wrote in anguish and frustration, feeling trapped, frustrated and so tired. For ten days I prayed and sought him, getting very honest every day and then praying "Get me out of this pit." Nine days later there was breakthrough in that mindset I was in. I had to trust my Heavenly Father enough with my pain, but before we could get to the pain I had to first give him my anger.
That day in my journal I wrote down what I heard God say to me: "I will get you out, thank you for being honest with yourself and trusting me with your anger and hurt. I am a good Father Cassie. I have good things for you, its time to start healing and restoring. I wrote down those words in my Journal, even before I saw the breakthrough, but He saw me.
What do we Desire
I love how David says it in the end
Yet I am always with you, You hold my right hand, You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me up in glory. Who do I have in heaven but You? And I desire nothing on earth but You. My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever (verse 23-26)
David completely and totally surrendered to God, his one Desire was God, he knew his emotions and body would fail him, but God would be his strength. So let me ask you this question. Who is your desire? Who is your strength? Because if it isn't to be in relationship with God through Jesus, than it will fail. Get honest with your emotions, get honest with God. Ask him to help you with your struggles of trusting Him.
As a child who isn't really a rule follower, I really struggled with the perfect God in my life. You know the one that allowed me to be sexually abused as a child, spiritually abused clear into my adulthood. You know the one that allowed male leaders to tell me that I was less than because of my gender, that they didn't believe in women, and therefore didn't believe in me. As a child I looked at people and was confused, because I also met God through Jesus at an early age. I accepted Christ as my savior from my earliest memories, I talked to God every night, told him about my day, I can remember this clear back to four. So what do you do when you love God, but you don't necessarily love the people he put around us? Or when life hits us in the gut and we are left on the floor hardly breathing and curled up in the fetal position just trying to survive the pain that is coming in waves, and we feel like we are coming apart at the seams. Thankfully I am not a little girl who is still being molested and I have learned to find my value and hope in who God says that I am. It took almost twelve years for him to remove all the hurt, the fears, the anxieties, and me to be restored in who God created me to be. So what did it take? What did I do? Well I got mad at God. Yep, I got mad at the perfect, holy, and high God. If you go to the book of Psalms 73 David got mad at God and he told Him.
We have to be willing to trust God with everything including ALL our emotions
David said it he didn't hold back he says in Psalms 73:13
Did I purify my heart and wash my hands in innocence for nothing? For I am afflicted all day long and punished every morning.
David spoke these things to God, not on facebook, twitter, or calling his best friend. He gave God only his inner thoughts and wrote them down, for millions to read later in life. When life sucks, it hits hard, we can't even breathe let alone move due to the pain we feel, we want to say all the right things, do all the right things. But we aren't honest with our inner self and we aren't honest with God. When we choose to say the right things but cover up what we are feeling we are essentially building a wall around that area and we don't walk through and process everything. David says specifically in verse 15 "If I would have spoken these things out I would have betrayed your people" He knew he had to walk a very close line to dealing with his emotions but not damaging his call.
I was a good Christian girl, I did all the right things, I followed His word. I didn't drink, didn't smoke, could quote scripture, prayed, served in church, and I was asking the same question David asked. Is it all for nothing?! I was in a pit, spiritually speaking. I didn't put myself there, others put me there, labeled me, took my coat and left me for dead. I sat in a dark place, terrified, wanting out, but unable to climb out, I tired everything I could in myself, but still the walls remained around me. I was officially stuck, in a pit. When I tried to seek counsel from others in honest desperation, it was used against me. More labels, more dirt in the pit I was so desperately wanted out of. I felt like I was being buried alive, unable to trust anyone, alone in my pit, which was turning into my grave. Finally I got out my journal and I started with the words "Father I am angry with you." I told him everything, I wrote down all the shame, the pain, the names I was called, the labels, the frustration that no one apologized, that I felt cast away. I got very real, very honest with him. Tears hit the pages as for the first time I trusted my Heavenly Father with my anger.
David says in Verse 21: When I became embittered and my innermost being was wounded I was stupid, and I didn't understand I was an unthinking animal towards you.
Once I was done expressing my anger, all of it, not some of it but I told him exactly how I felt I told Him I felt like he didn't love me, that he hated me. Then I did what David did I repented "So Lord I repent for not trusting you. For allowing what others have done to me to trump what Jesus did for me on the Cross. Father get me out for good, shut the lid so I don't fall back into this pit. Father I can't get out on my own, I need you to get me out." These were my words in my journal that I wrote in anguish and frustration, feeling trapped, frustrated and so tired. For ten days I prayed and sought him, getting very honest every day and then praying "Get me out of this pit." Nine days later there was breakthrough in that mindset I was in. I had to trust my Heavenly Father enough with my pain, but before we could get to the pain I had to first give him my anger.
That day in my journal I wrote down what I heard God say to me: "I will get you out, thank you for being honest with yourself and trusting me with your anger and hurt. I am a good Father Cassie. I have good things for you, its time to start healing and restoring. I wrote down those words in my Journal, even before I saw the breakthrough, but He saw me.
What do we Desire
I love how David says it in the end
Yet I am always with you, You hold my right hand, You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me up in glory. Who do I have in heaven but You? And I desire nothing on earth but You. My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever (verse 23-26)
David completely and totally surrendered to God, his one Desire was God, he knew his emotions and body would fail him, but God would be his strength. So let me ask you this question. Who is your desire? Who is your strength? Because if it isn't to be in relationship with God through Jesus, than it will fail. Get honest with your emotions, get honest with God. Ask him to help you with your struggles of trusting Him.
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