I can remember early memories of someone sticking a finger in my face "You should be ashamed of yourself." I felt that shame as a child and I kept that shame clear into my adulthood, not even realizing it. Shame gives way to fear, and I at thirty years old was so full of fear to the point that I couldn't walk in who God made me. God was telling me to do this small group and I was telling him NO. My family was going through a very hard season, and I was emotionally so spent trying to hold my life together. Then God said pick up something else. It was this thing called Propel Women. I began the process, filling out the forms, doing the things that God told me to do, while I felt my life was too messy, I was not the right person for the job. At every step I knew the enemy was attacking to the point that several things caused us to not even launch. I knew at an early age God called me to tell others about Jesus. But I could not seem to shake this feeling of 'not enough' In August I launched this little group, telling God "No one is going to come." He replied "If I give you one, will you understand that one is important?"
My fears had nothing to do with my God but had more to do with my lack of faith. God has been working on this concept with me. Last week I talked to you about telling God I was in a pit. UNASHAMED by Christine Caine was the tool he used to help me get out of it. I prayed "Get me out of this pit, seal the whole so I can't get back in it. " So I began to read Unashamed and God began to get me out of this pit that I was in. I am running a thriving women's outreach, have the support of my family, have a great mom who oversees this ministry, and I still struggled with anger, hurt and frustration. My mom and I sat and talked "Cassie you are struggling with letting go of you pain." she told me gently. "God will get you there though, don't worry, he will take you at your pace." I could tell you everything in this book but I want to really focus on Chapter 9 and my pit.
When You Get Hurt
I dealt with being sexually abused as a child, being called names, feeling like a child that was different. But the one thing I struggled with was the pain inflicted on my family by people I thought should have protected us. Growing up as a child I grew up in the thick of leadership in churches, while most of you got to see the pretty exterior, come on Sundays, I saw the back side and all the pain and humanness that happened in the church. Early memories were pastors telling my family not to come back to their church. Pastors acting like they were demigods and treating people like they were servants, and my family was exposed to a whole lot of pain at the hands of those who quoted "touch not my anointed" I learned to build walls, to not let others in. Whole prayer meeting were started to cast out the 'Jezebel Spirit' out of my mom. I remember women stretching their hands back at my mom 'praying out the demon.' Why? Because she said called called her to preach. In my teenage years I learned from the churches we were in, that God loved men more than women. I watched ministers chastise my mother in the name of 'teaching her her place.' When they did this, when they attacked her, I found her in bed, bible open and tears flowing. She walked through hell and I saw ministry as a death sentence. My goal was to hide, but it made me angry, no boy wanted to date me, because I could beat most of then up, and would rather hang out playing sports with them, then die and try to date them. We were called the "Adams Family" of our denomination, I still shake my head at the stupidity of people. The enemy sent very strategic attacks to the extent that I was told that I would never be able to submit to a pastor. Spiritual Abuse is a very real thing and if you have experienced it I am here to say God can heal you.
God sent some healers.
I stood being introduced to this women four years ago, her name I didn't remember at the time. It was her eyes that met mine. Her smile that had so much love, and her words that soothed my soul in that moment. I was introduced to her and told "Her parents were preachers." She looked at me and her eyes filled with something I hadn't ever seen before. Compassion. She spoke words that still ring in my ears "You have such a look of love in your eyes. I am so sorry, that was a bad time for the church. I am sorry for everything you went through" This women knew the hell I walked without me ever saying a word. I couldn't help it my eyes welled up with tears that I had never shed. This for me was such a life changing moment. She helped start the journey of healing for me, although she didn't know it and neither did I. She prayed with me right there. She was the first person ever to tell me she was sorry for what was done to my family at the hands of ministers. She was the first but she wasn't the last. Her name is Merriann Horsby, and I am forever grateful to this women who saw something past this broken woman.
Getting some Shame off me
Now fast forward I sat down with Chris book and she talked about stepping into God's promise and hitting a wall. I had a wall, it was huge, it was strong, and I couldn't take it down. I had a wall of unforgiveness and tears fell in fear "God what am I supposed to do?" I couldn't let go of everything people did to me. "Only one person ever said they were sorry! And she didn't even do anything to me!" I told God. So what do you do when they don't say there sorry, when they hurt you, tried to destroy you and you can't let go." I whispered "So they win God?" Feeling the anger rise up with in me. "Again I am made to bow to them and they win." I was angry, but I kept reading. Then Chris got really honest about one of her counseling sessions. The words that changed my life were the same ones her counselor asked "Where is Jesus?" I then stopped, and I prayed shutting my eyes. I saw myself crying bitter tears, alone at the foot of the cross holding onto this black box. I then saw Jesus crying with me his arms placed on mine and he helped me lay down that box. I cried even harder "Okay God I surrender." I cried and cried and cried and I realized Jesus was with me every step of the way. He was there when they asked our family to leave. He was there every single time a pastor or minister hurt our family. He was hurting right there with me.
Living Unashamed
The wall is gone and I am out of my pit. I let go of my hurt, my pain of past abuse, and I picked up Gods all for my life. I quit hiding and started stepping out and dreaming. He has been changing me, healing me, and guiding my steps. I have peace and that anger that burned is gone. You see Chris talks about the bungee cord of shame and gives us some great tools to avoid it and know the signs of shame. I am so excited because I am believing that what the enemy meant to use to kill me, stifle me, and destroy my call, God is using it to speak into the lives of broken people. I know whose I am and I am living unashamed. Get the book, and I declare that God wants to get Shame OFF YOU!!
Purchase the book here
https://www.amazon.com/Unashamed-Baggage-Freedom-Fulfill-Destiny-ebook/dp/B010RAI5PY?ie=UTF8&redirect=true&ref_=s9_newrz_hd_bw_b3Cv_g351_i2
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